"Jolene, this bad part of the circle again we have been through before. Tuesday I see the guy, and I really hope this can help me. Thank you for ur help in trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me. I get hurt, frustrated and then mad at the fact ur not here wanting to even talk let a lone see me now. It drives me crazy when ur like this and brings out a worse side of me, its all emotions and clearly not normal way to respond to emotions. Jolene I have a problem and thank u for showing me this and helping me guide my self into the right path on getting help! I only want u, I want to have the regular everyday thing back, when we talk about normal things and I see u at lunch and hold u at night. I just want that nice feeling that we have had. This is the real me talking jolene. I want to help my self and be happy, I am not happy with my self. We made some progress beginning of the week and I blew it with my "disorder" what ever it may be...
I understand u need the tlc right now and I want to give that to u like times I have but all the time! Its not u its me jolene, and I want to make myself and u happy, and when its ready the baby too.
I feel so ashamed of myself when I snap and yell and say negative things.
I am calming myself down right now, when u say ur done bye it hits me and it gets my head out of my ass.
So I was hopping u will still come on tuesday...if not that's ok I understand. I just need someone that sees me to help explain things too. I sometimes freeze up and loose my thinking and get denial with out realizing it at the time. Like a lot of things I don't realize at the time lol
Anyways I know its the same pattern over and over again, and I hope seeing someone will solve my issue. For my sake!
I truly do love and care a lot for u jolene.
I just want to buy a new brain or something...I feel really confused and lost.
I just want u there, it drives me nuts to think its over for good...I hate my self for the way I am, I just wish I was normal for once...
Hope u got my good voice mails, and me messages, and I hope u get a good sleep and have a good day at work too. And I hope I can get a chance to say something on the fone quick! Thanks
Love u mommy jolene!
Dallas :) "
"This is what I want. This is the real me ur speaking to.
Ill start by just saying I do love and care sooo much and can't just give up yet, I'm not done, not until I have been seeing a psychiatrist and trying to get better, and If I can't well then I give up on Trying to make this work, and give up then on my self and life.
I want u jolene, no one else. I never once had the urge to cheat on u. I act like I am maybe just cause its my fucked up way on releasing anger and frustration that built up from feeling hurt or down...
Honestly u can't ask me anything when I am in my mad mode or negative mode, I need to come back to my senses and not me so stubborn. I know what I want even when I am stubborn and mad, just too stubborn to show it, But I just want me to find me and get normal, and I want u to be happy and always have the guy u love there, not the other guy I can b.
I look at u past week off and I feel soo nice when I see ur belly and how it shows now a bit. Really like the feeling. I really love it. I want u and our baby for ever. I will love u both unconditionally for ever. No matter where we end up in the end. I really am wishing and hoping and reallty looking forward in getting help. I just hope u can b thgere a lil longer its been like 3 month of tuffing it out and I am almosyt there. Made it this far, one week and I see someone.
I'm not ready to let u go sweetie. Mommy jolene, I want u, and to make u happy n loved by the guy that u love, The guy I want to b 24/7. All what I said is from my heart<3"
"Been thinking about my anger and I hate it. I just wish I was that nice guy I can be all the time for u. U deserve that soo much. I am worried I just get worse or never get better. but I will call them tomorrow. just on the site looks promising...*deep breath* I have a lot of work to do..
I would just love it to be with u and our baby happy together. I wanna set a goal this month. I know I had some anger today, but wasn't towards u...I wanna be good for this month no fights. I just don't don't want to be that guy that's an ass and abusive, that father...really!!! I always was good with kids, always said I would be a good dad. I woulnt do that to a child anyways, but I don't want to do it with u.
I see u received my messages...sorry to wake u sweetie. :s love u and baba :) "
"I can see clearly now jolene, pls call me soon! I just want to be sane and love u and ava! I picture holding u and her. I love u jolene "
It's so nice reading stuff like that. For a moment it actually sounded genuine. It's hard to imagine that the person in the second half of this entry is one and the same as the person who wrote those nice things. The following are examples of what I mean...
There have been several occasions where I've been unable to contact Dallas either because he ignored my calls/msgs, or had his phone turned off. One night I actually called around to all the hospitals to find out if he some how ended up hurt. I was worried sick because I hadn't heard from him all night. What happens when I don't answer my phone when he tries to get a hold of me??? Here's an example.... one night my phone was turned off because i was in a hospital. When I turned my phone on the first chance I had, these were the SMS txts that were waiting for me...
"So what the doctor say?
Busy on a dinner date I take it. Ttyl
Ok sounds good, u wanna ignore me now I'm pissed
I'm done again now with ur twisted shit
Don't expect nothing from me
Going to answer!!!!!!!!
Ill burn ur fucking house down then!!!!!!!!
U twisted bitch pissed me off long enough
Fucking ignore me now
Don't talk to me for good then!!!!!!!
And for all of this I am not NOT fucking joking I am gone! I don't care for you or ur baby.
Both fuck ups!
And ur entire family is fucked up!!
Wanna ignore me now that's fine
My stuff already been starting to move
U wanna cheat with me
Fuck offf"
Nice huh? Considering that it is unusual for me to turn off my phone, not once did he show any concern for my well being. Instead he accused me of cheating, and threatened to burn down the house. I have NEVER cheated on him. EVER! Sometimes I wish I had, just so that I could've helped him self-fulfill his prophecy.
Here is an example where he contradicts himself in a conversation, demonstrating how he fails at being "a good dad"..
him:
"Ahhhh I see why ur acting all cool ur going to sarah haus and then going out to chimara lol so u had plans to go out and get drunk and fucked literally fucked already!!!! Hahahahahaa well I have been unfaithful since I met u!!!!!! Ur a dumb ass!!!! I have fuck over a 100 sluts in my life!!!!!!! Hahahaha so have fun with ur gay freaks tomorrow....maybe I will crash in hahahahahaaa :D I will find u!!!!! And I won't be happy. U want me gone and have hate!!!!! Give up!!!!!!!! Well u can suffer the consequences"
me:
"Good, give yourself a pat on the back for being a whore. Thankfully Ava and I didn't catch a disease from you. You make me sick."
him:
"Speaking of the fuck up mistake I am taking the dresser I got from ikea including the night stands! Also everything I got!!! Non of this being generous shit!!"
me:
"Yeah, real good father you are. Does it make you feel good about yourself to call an innocent baby something so horrible, and take her things? You're no father, or a man for that matter. Literally taking things from a baby. You should be ashamed of yourself."
him:
"I am not ashamed! I love it!!! U better not be there either! I will be fully gone friday! Again u better stay at ur mothers! Or ur fat freaks haus sarah!!!!oh wait ur planning a drunk fuck fest like me so maybe ur at fagtophs haus hehe ur a slut and I hate u!!!!!!!!"
"I have things to do before I die!!!!!! I'm going to fuck every slut I can!!!! Cause I can,!!!! Something u never liked me for!!!!!"
And just when I thought he couldn't possibly sink any lower, here are some ESPECIALLY terrible things he wrote recently to an ex gf where he talks about me, my family, and most importantly, his daughter:
"ya I am fucked up! so is Jo. Ava be a fuck up too! Oh she already a fuck up mistake!!! I fucking hate her!!!!"
"ya my moms a slut too sure! Think I care!? No. Look at me, my fam...jo and her fam!!! Fucked up!! Lil ava be a fuck up too haha"
"I am soo glad I don't gotta be there to raise that fucked up mistake!!!!! Got the child support is worth my sanity and life."
"I'm a socialpath nazi mother a band junkie slut! Mother a white trash slut Aunt a fucked up cunt What u think lil ava be when she grows up?"
When I read that, the first thing that came to mind for some reason, was holding his hand while giving birth to our baby. hearing his voice tell me how beautiful she was, and that he loved me. I don't understand how anyone could have the capacity to say such horrible things about an innocent 4 month old baby.
So what happened to the guy in the first half of this entry? The one who claimed to love me and his baby unconditionally, no matter where we ended up in the end? The one who said he would be a good dad? The one who said he never felt the urge to cheat, and that I was the only one he wanted? The one who said I deserved to have a nice guy?? ...It was a facade. It was a facade, and I don't understand why! What were his objectives by saying those nice things? What did he want from me??? because from what I understand, he would tell others that I was just an acquaintance with no emotional attachment, that I didn't mean anything. Meanwhile, he meant the world to me. I don't get it. Why string me a long for as long as he did, if that's how he really felt?
The only conclusion I can come to at the moment, is that guy in the first half of this entry was an act. If it wasn't, the guy in the second half of this entry wouldn't exist. Unfortunately that still doesn't answer the question of 'why'?
